Anger is my superpower

Transcript

Welcome to *Meaningful Work Remarkable Life*. I’m your host, Brook McCarthy, and I’m a business coach, trainer, and speaker living and working on the unceded lands of the Camargo people here in Sydney, Australia. In this podcast, we explore the paradoxes inherent in working for love and money, magnifying your impact, and doing work you feel born to do. We explore the intersections of the meanings we bring to work and the meanings we derive from it.

There have been multiple rock bottom moments over the last 16 years that I have been in business, and the rock bottom moments were productive. They were actually useful when I got angry. So, anger is my superpower. And hopefully, after today’s episode, it’s going to become yours as well. So let’s unpack this and talk about it.

Firstly, it is not socially acceptable for women to be angry. It is oftentimes very taboo still. People are quick to slap angry women with that word, calling them “angry.” There’s this inference, of course, that they have lost credibility and control, in a way that is not the same for men. If men are angry, they are passionate, powerful, a force, ambitious. This is not the same for women.

The problem with anger is that it is related to a lot of different emotions. Let’s discuss that first, and then we’ll talk about how to actually transmute these emotions into something productive. Make no mistake: I say anger is my superpower because it has led me to make the biggest, boldest, most courageous decisions and do the best things that I feel most proud about in my business.

So, if you’re feeling like, “You know what, I could be more courageous, I could be bolder, I need to make some big decisions,” and you’re sitting on them, perhaps getting a little frustrated with yourself, then this episode is for you. Anger is related to a few different things, and one of them is resentment. Resentment can arise from feeling let down, and it is another really useful emotion.

I coach my clients in recognizing resentment. Whenever they are talking and I sense that resentment in their voice, I’m quick to point it out because it is incredibly useful in spotlighting what needs to change. Make no mistake: we don’t want to be feeling negative emotions, right? We want to feel confident, joyful, free, grateful, loved and loving, creative, courageous, valued, and respected by others.

I’m guessing that you want to feel relevant, hopeful, perhaps inspired. You want to feel intimacy with other people, perhaps even intellectual intimacy with your clients, where there is a mutual admiration society between you. If this is true and you do want these fabulous things for yourself, then we have to look at the opposite. Resentment shines a spotlight on what needs to change because nobody wants to feel resentment, right? Nobody wants to feel disrespected or let down or humiliated.

This is especially true in relation to our clients. It’s not uncommon for these feelings to arise, and it needs to be talked about because we can’t change things if we don’t address them.

When I was a tour leader, I had a couple of Americans on one particular tour in Cambodia, and they were hard work. The wife was very critical and didn’t give me any sense that she trusted me. The husband kind of checked himself out; he was absent for most of the trip, his nose buried in the Lonely Planet. While we were touring the sites, he seemed more interested in reading about them than in engaging with me or the local Cambodian guides I had employed to educate the passengers, as we used to call them.

At the end of the trip, I received a $20 US tip. This was a two-week trip, and it was clear that this was meant as an insult. They had a conversation in front of me about some purchase, and the wife said to the husband, “It’s just 20 bucks; it’s nothing.” To then turn around and tip me that same amount hours later made it evident that they were trying to humiliate me, that there was a sense of disrespect there.

In that instance, I didn’t get angry because it wasn’t worth it. They were people I knew briefly for two weeks, and then they were gone. It’s not something I dwell on. However, when you feel resentment toward your clients—when you see your client’s name or face on your mobile phone and immediately feel anger or resentment—that’s a clear sign that something needs to change. We don’t want to feel that way, right? We don’t want to resent the very people to whom we give our time, attention, and expertise every day.

Now, anger is my superpower because if we don’t hold on to anger—hear me out—we don’t want to hold on to it indefinitely. We absolutely want to transmute it. What I see happening in my clients, who aren’t as comfortable as I am with anger, is that it transmutes into self-criticism, sadness, depression, numbness, and withdrawal. These are not useful; they are not productive states to be in. They are the opposite of awe, eagerness, energy, and being astonished with life, business, and what you’re capable of.

There have been multiple instances in my business where I got angry and then made brave changes—bold changes. For example, there was the client who put me on a payment plan that continued for years; the amount they owed me was going to take years to pay off, yet he took his family on an overseas holiday during that time. I could have let that turn into humiliation and numbness, but I didn’t.

Then there was the client who expected me to work on the 27th of December without any prior communication. They could have easily informed me, as they had a business manager who could have sent a quick email. Instead, they got really angry with me and tried to shame me for not knowing. To me, December 27th is that twilight period where it’s not quite daytime or nighttime. Who knows what’s going on? I typically have a house full of people, relatives, and assorted others, and I’m eating ham for breakfast. There’s a lot going on, and I’m certainly not thinking about work.

This has happened multiple times, and it’s also when I’ve gotten angry at myself. Is this familiar to you? I often get most angry and frustrated at myself when I have an intuitive hit that something is going to happen, that I should do something, and then I deny or ignore that intuition, only to find that my intuition was correct. Does that sound familiar?

I would much rather regret something I did than something I didn’t do. I’d prefer to have the painful but funny and entertaining story about a disaster I experienced rather than a boring, sad “if only” story.

When we can hold onto our anger long enough to transmute it into a big, bold move, it can become an incredible superpower. This could mean changing how you do business or how you deliver value. You absolutely do not need to keep doing things the same way just because you always have. You do not need to continue offering retainers or low-cost services if they are no longer working for you. You do not have to run things at a loss or break even simply because your clients want you to.

You’re doing nobody any favors, including your favorite clients, by continuing to operate with low-level frustration and resentment. Your best clients want you to be curious, joyful, free, wealthy, powerful, peaceful, trusting, and optimistic. They want you living your best life so that you can develop your potential and deliver maximum value.

So take this as a loving, swift kick up the ass. Please listen to this episode and allow yourself to feel your feelings without jumping straight into socially acceptable emotions. Many of us are skilled at criticizing ourselves and creating stories that keep us stuck, such as, “My clients would never let me,” or “My clients wouldn’t like it if I…”

If you find yourself saying, “I’m not the kind of person who…,” remember that you may be letting down yourself and your potential by holding onto this story. Emotions don’t just disappear; they transmute into sadness, depression, and stress. And let me tell you, there is nothing more stressful than feeling stuck.

There’s nothing more stressful than standing still when you want to do something. You can see the path ahead, but you just can’t seem to take that first step. You’re stopping yourself all the time, and it’s even more stressful because it shouldn’t be this way. You might think, “I’m not doing anything; there’s a lot of activity between my ears, but I’m not actually doing anything.” And yet, you feel stressed.

Let me know what you think. This is a big, chunky topic, and there were a lot of things discussed here. Please don’t suffer in silence; let’s make this a conversation. Reach out to me on Instagram at Brooke McCarthy (there’s no E on Brook) or on all the usual social channels. I would love to hear your thoughts and know what actions you plan to take.

Before you go, if this episode has gotten you thinking or excited, or if it has inspired you to change the way you do business or life, I would greatly appreciate it if you could write me a short review. Your podcast review means so much to me and helps other values-based business owners like you find this show, which is a fantastic gift to me.